Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
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Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
War & Peace
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.