Did you hear about that music composer who committed suicide? His body decomposed.

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My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.


an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today


HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man


Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.


You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.


Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”


Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.


When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.


I get my best cardio at the grocery store because I never make a list

And back to isle 3 and repeat


Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok

[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf