to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
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On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.