@BitchyJasmine

Did you hear about that music composer who committed suicide? His body decomposed.

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@TheRobCee

[labels account “18+”]

[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]

@LerbsyCherbs

I walk with a limp so people think I have a gun in my boot. And because I sprained my ankle running away from a moth.

@arandomhim

I bet the guy who invented the percent symbol, %, got his inspiration from watching his wife put on a seatbelt

@kirbys4losers

Of course you don’t know ‘our song.’ You didn’t know we were even dating, silly. Or that the girl you had lunch with is in my trunk.

@simoncholland

You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?

-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.

@vikkaroni

My husband and I are having a serious fight.

Do you think I should let him know about it?

@AmberTozer

The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute

@Sadieisonfire

I learned how to count cards so I could hustle idiot 4 year olds out of their juice box when we play Go Fish

@TheDairylandDon

If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.