Did you hear about that music composer who committed suicide? His body decomposed.

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[labels account “18+”]

[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]


I walk with a limp so people think I have a gun in my boot. And because I sprained my ankle running away from a moth.


I bet the guy who invented the percent symbol, %, got his inspiration from watching his wife put on a seatbelt


Of course you don’t know ‘our song.’ You didn’t know we were even dating, silly. Or that the girl you had lunch with is in my trunk.


You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?

-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.


My husband and I are having a serious fight.

Do you think I should let him know about it?


The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute


I learned how to count cards so I could hustle idiot 4 year olds out of their juice box when we play Go Fish


If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.