Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
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I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
That’s what I call a flat tire
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”