“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
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“Expose yourself to Art” they said
“Art will tase you and call the cops on you” they didn’t say
Hey baby, lemme see what’s under that shell.
Ugh, as if. *Lady turtle starts walking away.*
[3 hours later]
I still see you there baby.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.