@awkwardphilippe

Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie

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@Darlainky

“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.

@SteveSuckington

“Expose yourself to Art” they said

“Art will tase you and call the cops on you” they didn’t say

@pinupteacher

Hey baby, lemme see what’s under that shell.

Ugh, as if. *Lady turtle starts walking away.*

[3 hours later]

I still see you there baby.

@MelvinofYork

I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there

@michaeldean0116

‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.

@daemonic3

[in Batmobile]

Superman: Hey

Batman: Sup?

S: Promise you won’t be mad?

B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.

@UncleDuke1969

CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.

@envydatropic

I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters

@dave_cactus

I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.