Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie

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“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.


“Expose yourself to Art” they said

“Art will tase you and call the cops on you” they didn’t say


Hey baby, lemme see what’s under that shell.

Ugh, as if. *Lady turtle starts walking away.*

[3 hours later]

I still see you there baby.


I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there


‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.


[in Batmobile]

Superman: Hey

Batman: Sup?

S: Promise you won’t be mad?

B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!


Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.


CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.


I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters


I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.