Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
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My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.