Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
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So true for me
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
Meanwhile in Portland…
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
Matthew was born for this.
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.