Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
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Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
Stonehinge
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough