Before crowbars crows drank alone
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“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”