A short story of betrayal:
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Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
What my back needs
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
Hitlers gonna hitl
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out