I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
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Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.