*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
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ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left