Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
You Might Also Like
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords