Did you hear that Tampax is replacing the string on tampons with a piece of tinsel? Just for the Christmas period.

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WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind

ME: Duh

[later at party]

ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?


Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.


Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.


Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?

Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?

Him: Not funny.


Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.


[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]

ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it

*elephant crushes car*

why did I name you Stompy


cop: do you know why i pulled you over

me: [through foam mascot head] ya