WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
Did you hear that Tampax is replacing the string on tampons with a piece of tinsel? Just for the Christmas period.
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Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
The elderly almost never expect a leg sweep.
Never name drop…
Sandy Bullock taught me this.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya