@Cptnrwrpnts

Did you hear that Tampax is replacing the string on tampons with a piece of tinsel? Just for the Christmas period.

You Might Also Like

@daemonic3

WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind

ME: Duh

[later at party]

ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?

@MichaelTrying

Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.

@Purple_whipped

Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?

Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?

Him: Not funny.

@GinRumMe

Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.

@flashember

[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]

ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it

*elephant crushes car*

why did I name you Stompy

@Shen_the_Bird

cop: do you know why i pulled you over

me: [through foam mascot head] ya