selfie game
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Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”