@GrabTheWEness

‘Did you hear, Tim died.’

Oh no, was it serious?

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@CynicalCanuck

Am I in the Mile High Club if I jerk off under a blanket on a plane? Just kidding, United doesn’t have blankets.

Sorry lady in seat 21B

@3sunzzz

In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.

@farleftcoast

The recent fake excitement of soccer in the U.S. confirms my belief that Americans will pretend to like anything they can scream USA about.

@Cryptoterra

after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host

@dirtyddixon

My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…

~Only 15 more to go!!

@kumailn

“Thank you for coming.”
“It was mandatory.”
#corporateshows

@TattleTSister

My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.

@tracietom

I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.