‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
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[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
Cat.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
When news reporters do sports stories
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.