Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
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I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
I have two kinds of followers
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
Happy weekend !