@Fred_Delicious

Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype

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@XplodingUnicorn

Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.

@sugarwits

Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.

@kdelite8

Doctor: it’s important to incorporate purple foods into your diet.

Me: *eats purple cupcakes*

@qwertying

Husband: How about a quickie?

Wife: As opposed to what?

@morrisjr77

is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?

@copymama

My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT