“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
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Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.