If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
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Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.