I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
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Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.