Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
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Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE