@TheBoydP

Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?

Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.

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@DomBorrett

Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…

You can’t have it both ways mate

@Darlainky

Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!

@mackswift

Ladies, not every guy who talks to you wants to bang you. Some of us know that you have snacks in your purse.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.

@jmhuntsinger

Judging by the quality of some of your tweets I can tell this isn’t the first time you’ve failed in life.

@BoogTweets

Me: You know that prank where you put dog poop in a bag and set the persons house on fire?

Her: You mean set the bag on fire

Me:

[sirens]

@RogerQuimbly

I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.