When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
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Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
Ladies, not every guy who talks to you wants to bang you. Some of us know that you have snacks in your purse.
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
Judging by the quality of some of your tweets I can tell this isn’t the first time you’ve failed in life.
Me: You know that prank where you put dog poop in a bag and set the persons house on fire?
Her: You mean set the bag on fire
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.