Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
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Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
Follow me for more life hacks.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police