Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.

*pushes their faces together*

Me: Did they kiss and make up?

5: No. She headbutted him.

tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness

me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this

The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”

By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.

I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?

flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker

I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber

I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.

THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.

LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!

Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.

I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.

[first day as a mover]

boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.

me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S

*bumpes into my ex on the street

*dials a number

Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!

Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl

I’m taking a group of 9yos to the water park today. My wife said “just try not to lose any of em” if you’re wondering about her confidence in my parenting skills.

Anyway if anyone’s seen a boy in sponge bob swim trunks please let me know thanks.

Had a spot of bother earlier.

My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.

[god on LSD creating Donald Trump

What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?

Me driving through Toronto

succession but with mickey mouse and friends

“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.

Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together

Me: That’s not true

H: Wanna go hiking

M: I don’t like your tone

My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.

Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.

i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end

One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”

I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.

[about to have sex]

me: fasten your seatbelt

her: oooh you’re good huh

me: no this is a race car bed

Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears

Me:

My dad:

Me:

My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil