Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
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[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
How to make infinite energy.
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.