Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
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SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
I forget what I used to do with my arms before I got my iPhone.
Did I hang them down by my side?
Straight above my head?
I really forget.
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
630: *wakes up to take dog for walk
632: *pours coffee and checks twitter
749: *steps in dog shit on my kitchen floor
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.