DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
You Might Also Like
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂