DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
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Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
I鈥檓 just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I鈥檓 not even sorry.
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
earth: I鈥檓 dying
humans: I鈥檓 sorry you feel that way
If you are considering buying some guy鈥檚 program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 馃馃
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
Me: I鈥檓 only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That鈥檚 good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.