Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
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Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Maths meets science
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
selena gomez
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.