Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
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Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
the simulation is moving too fast
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.