Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
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A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
You’re the unreachable booger of people.