DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
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If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
Is fake venison called venisn’t
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
#parenting
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.