One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
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The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
it’s easy as pie!
‘what does that even mean?’
*pie stumbles in drunk*
pie: i just had sex with the homeless guy under the bridge
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.