Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?

This is God thanking them for bacon.

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I can’t stand this long distance relationship anymore. Fridge, you’re coming to my room.


If Kim and Kanye name their next kid North West again, we can comfortably refer to the two as One Direction.


PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!

BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!

SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!


A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.


Me: My son totaled another car.

Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?

M: yes

P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!


No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh


me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous


The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.


lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?

Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am

lawyer: where are you?

me: 2018