@Carbosly

Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?

This is God thanking them for bacon.

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@abbymedlock

I can’t stand this long distance relationship anymore. Fridge, you’re coming to my room.

@xysist

If Kim and Kanye name their next kid North West again, we can comfortably refer to the two as One Direction.

@Staggfilms

PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!

BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!

SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!

@Spaced_Cowboy00

A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.

@3sunzzz

Me: My son totaled another car.

Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?

M: yes

P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!

@MomOnFire

No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh

@MarfSalvador

[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE

@Gupton68

The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.

@sineadaloftus

lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?

Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am

lawyer: where are you?

me: 2018