Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
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[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave