Did you know that ants are free? You can just take one!

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*The First Ever Rodeo

“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”


friend: how’d you get all that money?

me: i made a deal with the devil


the devil: $30k for the car, final offer

me: ok deal


Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it


[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me


This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.


*Frantically typing on google*
‘How to do CPR’
*Opens video, 30 second ad pops up*
[To dying person]
Ok just hold on a sec


[shopping with my wife]

Wife: why does a refrigerator need WiFi?

Me: so it can Netflix and Chill : )



Wife: excuse me Sir, does this have a return policy?

Employee: the fridge?

Wife: my husband.


My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.


if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.