I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
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If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate