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a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:7:”jtrulez”;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/2982601413/d544e141d386084130a35c59ee2914e2_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”320887992258543616″;s:7:”retweet”;s:3:”208″;s:5:”tweet”;s:112:”Did you know that if you decapitate a vegan they can continue to talk about being a vegan for another 6 minutes?”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

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@AliKolbert

Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”

@thequeensheart

All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????

@Playing_Dad

Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.

@GrantTanaka

me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here

@TheToddWilliams

LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash

@TheAlexP

*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*

Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.

@tchrquotes

Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this

@BoogTweets

Me: I really think we should hide the body

Pallbearer: Again, that is not how any of this works