A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
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Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri