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a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:7:”jtrulez”;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/2982601413/d544e141d386084130a35c59ee2914e2_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”320887992258543616″;s:7:”retweet”;s:3:”208″;s:5:”tweet”;s:112:”Did you know that if you decapitate a vegan they can continue to talk about being a vegan for another 6 minutes?”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

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@ShortSleeveSuit

People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next

@Daveastated

Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.

@maebemarbles

*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER

@toiletrapist

If I could have sex with anyone, living or dead, I’d probably pick living.

@Jenny4ashley

[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*

@JermHimselfish

Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.

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How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.

@GrantTanaka

wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why

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a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:12:”juliussharpe”;s:5:”image”;s:65:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/935659475/me_again2_bigger.jpg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”350302340206702593″;s:7:”retweet”;s:3:”180″;s:5:”tweet”;s:81:”If I could give one piece of advice to young people today it’s have rich parents.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}