Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
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Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”