@TheWoodenslurpy: Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
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@: Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor *Hands shoot up* FA: ...of love? *I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
@Twtercide: Instead of catching your child every time they fall, teach them how to effectively execute a tuck and roll. You're welcome.
@thatdutchperson: Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms? Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks* *Spends night making balloon animals
@frankzulla: "Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?" - Guy about to get stabbed bad