Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
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Spotted in New Orleans.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?