Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
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Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.