@ArfMeasures: Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father's Day! What do you think of them? Me: They're awful. But at least they made me these cakes

@Playing_Dad: *Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work* Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses...seen the coffeemaker?

@steeve_again: British people: Unicycle American people: Collegecycle

@just1fool: After years of failure, the "scientist" that had been trying to create a fake urine nearly went mad after he drank his first Miller Lite.

@KalvinMacleod: [funeral] WIFE: remember, don't be stupid ME: *to widow* I'm sorry u lost your husband WIDOW: thank you ME: do u want me to go look for him