Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.

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Every time I use <3 in an @ to someone, I can’t help but think, “Please accept this carrot with balls as a token of how much I heart you.”


Conversations get real after midnight.

11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”

12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”


Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.


[after blowing out all the candles on my cake]

him: Did you wish for world peace again?
me: haha of course.



Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:

Sup, girl?


me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water

friend: that’s foreboding

me: I know what they’re for


You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.


[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake


My Sister is naming her baby Nevaeh because it’s Heaven spelled backwards. I said, just name her what she’s going to end up being. Tulsa.


If you’re walking past an old abandoned house & the front door opens for no reason, go into that house.