I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
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“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
Somewhere, someplace, there’s a hole in the world & inside it there’s a bunch of gremlins hoarding the 50,000 lighters I can’t find.
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
I hate girls who insert the phrase “my boyfriend” into every conversation. So does my boyfriend.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*