@JohnHilsen

Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.

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@Maddy_ubert

I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”

@Snikoggs

[Job Interview]

“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”

“36”

“That’s not even close”

“But it was quick”

@ImHopel3ss

Somewhere, someplace, there’s a hole in the world & inside it there’s a bunch of gremlins hoarding the 50,000 lighters I can’t find.

@Tmoney68

At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.

@LadyofCinema

I hate girls who insert the phrase “my boyfriend” into every conversation. So does my boyfriend.

@DrakeGatsby

Genie: One wish left

Me: I wish I was cool

Genie: Your wish is granted

⛄️: Wait not like this

@MarfSalvador

me: push!

wife: [in labor] I AM

me: push harder!!

wife: I CAN’T

me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull

@CAshmanActor

Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’

*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*

@1evilidiot

A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?

@HavocMantis

I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today

*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*

haha excellent