Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
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girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
Me too, bag. Me too….
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.