Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
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I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
🤣🤣
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
#StillHurts
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them