@Vodkantots

Did you know that you can get kicked out of a gym for using a laser to point out areas people should work on?

Well, you can.

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@ArfMeasures

Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: oh that’s a brilliant question

Interviewer: But what’s the answer?

Me: Sarcasm

@Chyld

Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!

@sanjanaa

Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?

@SteveKoehler22

Costco ….

Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….

and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.

@maebemarbles

Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”

@iresurfaced

Sometimes I just wish people were as easy to forget as PIN numbers.

@juneohara65

I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.

@LostFelicia

I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.