Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
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The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
Okey dokey.
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.