Did you know that you can get kicked out of a gym for using a laser to point out areas people should work on?

Well, you can.

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Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: oh that’s a brilliant question

Interviewer: But what’s the answer?

Me: Sarcasm


Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!


Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?


Costco ….

Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….

and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.


Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?


Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”


Sometimes I just wish people were as easy to forget as PIN numbers.


I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.


I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.