Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
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If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!