Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
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ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
Flowers bee like
beware of dog
(jukin media)
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
Me sliding into hell like
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication