Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
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So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller