Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
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living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection