I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
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chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.