@AaronFullerton

Did you know you can actually WIN Instagram by taking a picture of your feet next to your dinner at sunset?

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@ShootyDoody

Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.

@jessokfine

When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist

@_elvishpresley_

CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner

ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–

*goose with a badge waddles in*

ME: okay but i’m driving this time

@Pork_Chop_Hair

I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.

@lovemyboots111

Women are like, “no I’m not mad”

*sets your car on fire*

Nope not mad

@Matt_The_1st

Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house

@KenJennings

Oh I’m sorry, you must have misunderstood. This is a Ferrets wheel. When your compartment is 90 feet in the air, we release the ferrets.

@Mom_Overboard

Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.

@4Anno

I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.

@flashember

[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir

BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD