Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
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Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
Me when my alarm goes off
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.