Plumber: I think I found the problem
– “Did you know you can make a pizza crust out of cauliflower?”
– “I’m going to reactivate my Facebook so I can unfriend you there too”
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When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
*Cop Dog radios in*
We’ve got an armed robbery in progress
“What’s that boy?”
An armed robbery on 5th
“Timmy’s stuck in a well??”
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
[Showing a friend around the house]
Me: And THIS is where my 5 yr old eats his popcorn.
*motions to area covered in popcorn.
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing