Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song

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Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.


sir i need to confiscate all the ice cream in your store yes this is just a costume & i’m not a real cop but no one told me i’m pretty today


When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”


Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face


*steals machine parts all year*

*gets coal for xmas*

“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”

*turns coal into diamond*


me: [typing] donkey kong

fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it

me: donkey kong no tie

fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down


11: I will avenge your death

Me: nobody’s killed me

11: well when someone does


“And I want video games and new shoes and….”

Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!


Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”