Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
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Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs