@junejuly12

Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song

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@badbanana

Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.

@Kalarlis

sir i need to confiscate all the ice cream in your store yes this is just a costume & i’m not a real cop but no one told me i’m pretty today

@bridger_w

When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”

@MarkBuckawicki

Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face

@schlimp

*steals machine parts all year*

*gets coal for xmas*

“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”

*turns coal into diamond*

@Shen_the_Bird

me: [typing] donkey kong

fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it

me: donkey kong no tie

fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down

@DaddyJew

11: I will avenge your death

Me: nobody’s killed me

11: well when someone does

@80sjams

“And I want video games and new shoes and….”

Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!

@jakob_huber

Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”