@iwearaonesie
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
@junejuly12
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
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@iwearaonesie
@thetigersez
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
@sixfootcandy
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
@trojansauce
DATE: *takes a sip of her water*
ME: haha ok wow can you tone down the pda you’re behaving very erotically
@KayLee_CPT
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!” – The first horse ever ridden (probably)
@BruceForce
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
@onion_an
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
@Fickle_Filly
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
@ozzyunc
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
@P_o_n_k
Using my phone screen as a light, I search for my phone. Behind 1way glass, a bunch of chimps in lab coats write on their clipboards and nod