@EvanJKessler

Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?

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@KenJennings

Parenting is all about wanting to say, “No one cares, honey” 100x a day AND NEVER DOING IT.

@INTERNETRICO

she wears short skirts
i do tax fraud
she’s cheer captain and
i’m in jail for tax fraud

@Dawn_M_

[making small talk at a party]

Hair products are so expensive these days. Do you think that’s why poor people look like shit?”

@rebrafsim

Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug

@UncleDuke1969

When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”

@MichaelAlliman

Cat 1: Are the humans asleep?
Cat 2: It appears so.
Cat 1: I shall now sing the anthem of my people.

@TheHyyyype

[high]

ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing

FRIEND: wait, u mean-

ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere

@mom_tho

no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat

@rcromwell4

“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”