Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
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Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
I don’t know what to do
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.