me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
You Might Also Like
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.