Did you know your amazing human body actually drink lava!?!

Only once though…..

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My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.


Me: my kids are obsessed with juice lately

Friend: mine too we got a really nice juicer so they can have healthy organic juice when they want it

Me, sticking a straw in a Capri Sun: cool


Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.


“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.


Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.


My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching

I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”


When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.

(Me to my fridge)


I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”


Forgot to open the door before applying hand lotion so now I’m stuck in my restroom forever.